Obstacles in Maintaining Friendships

Whether it’s due to a change in location, evolving life roles, or simply the passage of time, friendships have a way of changing over the years. Your current support system can consist of new faces as well as seasoned veterans. Frequently people may lament growing apart or needing to reach out more to persons of value but find obstacles may get in the way. Here are some common obstacles as well as ways to address faded friendships.

Common obstacles that might prevent reaching out to untended relationships:

It’s Been Too Long

There is almost a shame when trying to calculate “when was the last time…” especially if this is supposed to be someone of import. How could I have forgotten to call on their birthday for the past 3 years? How could they have forgotten in return? Maybe this leads to second guessing your role to them and their role to you. If you’ve both gotten along fine without telling each other the big news, good or bad, for this long, then maybe it’s fine the way it is?

Not Enough Time to Maintain

Perhaps you know exactly why you haven’t reached out and it’s because you rarely have a free moment. When you do get a moment, you elect to spend it on yourself in a restorative manner to feel peace. A “catch up” conversation takes time, especially when it is to cover a longer period of time. And then what? More calls that you already don’t have time for? Sure I could reach out today, but to what end? We will just stay distant so why bother now?

Feeling Replaced

Perhaps you DO have the time, but feel your friendship has been replaced by a newer friend. Your once die-hard exercise buddy is now exercising with someone new in that studio that is so expensive and so inconvenient. How do you morph the previously established relationship into something different that still works for you both?  Maybe they have a new circle of friends (mom group, work group, etc) that you are not part of. Should you be invited to dinner dates among married couples now that you are currently single?

What can you do to improve friendships?

Let It Go

If you look deeper and realize a friendship has naturally run its course and the relationship has served its purpose, you should be able to comfortably sort that friendship into a period of time or a purpose. Perhaps a friend helped you professionally settle into a new work place but the friendship faded once this person moved offices or companies. You can be at peace with relegating this friendship to more of a historical friend that is more like an acquaintance now that time has passed if you choose.

Change It

If you think of a friendship that has grown apart and you don’t want this, change it. Today, with technology, even if you don’t have excellent prospects for weekly chats or in person opportunities to close the gap, you can start somewhere. Frank conversation about the state of the friendship, without assigning a blame, can be a great starting point. Just as a romantic relationship needs open communication and feeling secure to be strong, friendships too grow under these circumstances. Telling someone they are important to you is a great first step.

Adapt

Do you feel weekly chats are important for a strong friendship, but your counterpoint has increased life demands that limit availability? Be mindful of what you may be requesting. If someone is a new mom–struggling to adapt to new demands, schedules, hormones, and more—suggesting they take daily calls to hear about your relationship or workplace drama vs tending to their own basic needs is at best out of touch, if not selfish. Remember a good friendship should feel stable and adapting to meet new demands is part of growing together. Work together to find a balance that works for both of you while being respectful of both the needs of the friend as well as the needs of the friendship.

Would you would like customized ideas for adjusting in friendships or bolstering friendships that might be struggling? Use a free consult to determine if life coaching can help you get where you want to be—among friends and with a strong support group.