Why Do Breakups Hurt So Bad?

Although I stand by the sentiment that ending a bad relationship is a gift, it doesn’t mean the loss shouldn’t be grieved. When trying to understand why breakups still hurt so bad—even if it was toxic in hindsight—it can be hard to fully grasp various aspects of what changed or was surrendered as a result. When getting over an end to a relationship, here are a few areas of loss that may apply.

Loss of Person

It’s safe to assume that at one point you saw something lovely in your past person. Regardless if they ended it, you did, or whether the relationship ended on good or bad terms, losing the bond of a romantic relationship changes expectations. The person you came to rely on is no longer in the same role and you will likely not be able to rely on each other in ways you did before.

Loss of Identity

Perhaps you have to navigate the additional challenge of a role change to people you’ve come to know through or with your partner. Dividing things can be hard enough, but dividing people can be devastating as well as awkward. Negotiating mutual friends can be tricky for you and the involved friends, especially in a time when leaning on friends can help navigate grief.

Loss of Time/Shared Memories

With presumably a different outcome that originally desired, it can be an added blow to think of the time lost that was put into the relationship. Additionally, while building a life together, there are likely memories that were only shared by the two of you. With the ending of a relationship, so too ends the ease of recounting memorable times together.

Loss of Progress

As an offshoot of “time lost” there is the sting of starting from scratch to search for your mate. Diving back into dating can be exciting for some, but anxiety-provoking for others (first date jitters, anyone?). Sorting through candidates and trying to determine compatibility and intent can be challenging and draining. Perhaps the breakup also impacted your sense of worth or confidence. When breakups are fresh, the thought of being vulnerable to someone new can feel especially overwhelming.

Loss of Status

For anyone who’s been to too many holidays stag and endured the repetitive conversations about “have anyone special?”, transitioning from coupled up to single can feel like a loss in status. Maybe the timing of the relationship’s demise also warrants an RSVP adjustment. Needing to announce personally disappointing news may feel like a moment of shame that would be better swept under a rug than shared widely.

Whether you or someone you know has recently ended a relationship, try to be understanding. Even when moving forward is the decidedly correct option, grieving the loss is not a sign of weakness. By cultivating an environment of understanding and grace, it may be easier to reach a place of closure and acceptance.