Grief: Types & Secondary Losses

When thinking of grief, most people envision typical loss— usually the death of a loved one who is elderly or in chronically poor health. Somehow the “predictable” grief lessens the sting of loss and lends itself to phrases like “they had a full life” or “they can rest now.” But in reality, grief is multifaceted, largely unplanned, and rarely brief. A less typical grief would be a death that doesn’t follow the “usual order.” Children are supposed to outlive parents and grandparents. Siblings are supposed to grow older with you and be the aunt/uncle or a confidant to help as parents age. Pregnancies are expected to be full term and healthy. To that end, I would like to introduce a few important facts about grief and secondary losses:

Grief comes in many types and forms of loss

• A loved one
• Marriage
• Job/retirement
• Child/miscarriage/infertility
• Friend
• Pet
• Health/body part
• Mental faculty

Understanding there are varying types and forms of grief promotes better awareness of self and others who may be experiencing its repercussions. Additionally, grief forms that are less frequently recognized may be thought of as less impactful and marginalized, which would be an error.

Grief should not be measured against other grief

• A miscarriage at 8 weeks vs 24 weeks or 1^st pregnancy vs 3^rd pregnancy is still a miscarriage
• A spousal death at 3 years wed vs 40 years wed is still as spousal death
• An amputation of a leg at 14 years old vs 65 years old is still a loss of limb

It is human nature to compare the severity of a circumstance to another, but grief is not a competition. While you should not fault yourself for trying to assign gravity to loss, DO remember that loss is loss and that’s enough.

Grief has secondary losses

The loss sustained goes beyond the obvious. There are ripples that extend to multiple aspects of life and often contribute to the feeling of grief being overwhelming and consuming. While secondary losses can vary based on types of grief, common examples include changes in:

• Financial stability
• Daily routines
• Support network/friendships
• Expectations
• Hopes/dreams/planned future
• Timeline for goals/life plan
• Identity/role (no longer a sibling, a spouse, a parent)
• Ability to revisit shared moments/life experiences
• Independence (require assistance for daily tasks)
• Proximity (with a move, suddenly regular visits are less frequent)
• Understanding to purpose (of self, life, greater meaning)
• Assuredness- may leave a feeling of unanswered questions

Grief has a varying timeline that is unique to each person and event

No two people or two events will have the same grief experience. Try your best not to judge yourself or others who are experiencing grief; it won’t alter the timeline anyways. Instead focus on offering compassion without judgement. You may not understand, they may not understand, but being non-judgmental minimizes the guilt, anger, denial, and overall pain associated with the grieving journey.